Disclaimer: yes, this is a long post. Don't read it unless you want to hear about how I banged some guy's girlfriend because he tried to troll me. Also don't read it if you don't want to see nude pictures of said girlfriend.
This post is dedicated to the true greats of World of Warcraft - real legends who crushed their enemies with reckless abandon and extreme prejudice. Good friends, great teammates - competent human beings who have since moved on. People who innovated, had fun and enjoyed victory against all odds. This post is aimed at dismantling someone who means to take up the mantle of greatness in their absence, without reverence or homage - he who would wear the mantle of victory as though it were always his. He who would wear it while all the while knowing it is only granted to him through attrition.
My name is Reed. You may know me better as Reedful, or Reedwise. This post is not about how great I am, merely how terrible someone else is. Please try to understand this not from my perspective, but from the perspective of everyone who has ever truly been the best at this game, found that it offered them nothing once they were at the top, and quit like a man.
Anyways, if you're still reading, you know who I am. Bailamos was a rival RBG team captain during the end of season 9/beginning of season 10, when me and my ragtag band of gangsters were at our prime in the World of Warcraft. To preface, when I say rival, it's important to note that I mean that more literally than figuratively. To be concise, I mean that we didn't view them as competition, and that I'm pretty sure his actual most prestigious arena title earned is, "Rival." - despite his shady helmets on this website.
A little back-story here, before we begin: Bailamos(hereafter occasionally referred to as Jordan) was a Human Rogue on Kel'thuzad. Ironically the guild master of <Girls Should Be Healers> at the time, he had nearly a thousand RBGs played in those seasons alone. Bailamos has been Gladiator one time by purchasing it in season 9(I know this because he and his girlfriend had a fight about the expenditure, which she told me about.) Jordan resided in Kent, Washington with his girlfriend, Katie - I was stationed at Fort Lewis, at the time.
To begin: my team's personal record was 114-7. We trounced every other major team out there. That isn't to say we've never lost to them, but we mostly won. Anyway, we had been playing for almost all of season 9 and season 10 was fast approaching. Real life intervened and some of my less reliable members began to flake out, or announce their upcoming unavailability. My first priority was recruiting a Rogue. We'd never actually played against Bailamos at this point but word had gotten around that they wanted a piece of us, and a piece is certainly what almost all of them would end up getting(unfortunately for Bailamos, his girlfriend would be receiving a very specific piece, over and over again)
Now for the dramatic parts: I made an alt on Kel'thuzad and, as always, my reputation preceded me. He/she invited me to the guild, and began chatting me up in the traditional way a legend is received. Trumpets were sounded, feasts were readied. Normally I'd post chat logs to add authenticity to my tale of sexual duplicity but this was ages ago, so nude pictures will suffice. Anyways, Bailamos starts in with all this flattery and I deployed my usual, never-fail pick up line: "you a lady?"
He said yes, he was a lady. Then we got down to business; I asked if he wanted to come play for me and my guild in RBGs. He said he would transfer if my team was capable of beating his. I accepted with a general sense of chivalry and sexual competition, all the while thinking I was courting a lady whose RBG team was only a few tiers under mine.
Having never backed down from any challenge ever, I accepted. We finally were able to coordinate queuing into each other, and the rest is legend. When we met them in Gilneas post-nerf, they had a few R1s, a pretty strong line up and I was talking with Kathryn ******* on RealID. The game started out, and I ordered my trademarked, "Hannibal ante portas" Gilneas strategy. We had 3 capped them before the fourth minute, and tales of my and Spacejelly'z legendary damage were heralded by the scoreboard.
This next part is really the crux of my story. I was instantly removed from Real ID by Kathryn *******, no one followed up with me about how badly they lost this supposed grudge match, and nothing was mentioned about our gentleman's wager. Then, I took a ten minute break and came back to find that I had a new Skype contact request. I accepted it, and.. the person on the other side of the screen said their name was Katie and asked if I had some time to talk. I ordered my men to stand down, and take a break - I think they all went to get some beef jerky, and maybe bench 225 a few times to get warmed up. She explained that she was Jordan's girlfriend, that she had been watching the entire fiasco between me and him and that she was so disgusted that he had actually pretended to be a girl.
More importantly, though, she said that she had been reading all of it, the entire time, and that she was really intrigued by my writing style and the tales of my glory in ground combat in Fallujah that I had been using to pursue the person I thought I was talking to. "Where do you live?" I inquired.
"Seattle." she said. Less than thirty minutes away.
At the time of this miscellaneous romantic encounter, I was stationed at Fort Lewis, Washington - a magical location that she estimated to be 45 minutes away from where she and Jordan lived. Her actual address came out to be closer to 25 minutes. I am getting ahead of myself, however. I wasn't gonna meet up with just any broad, so naturally I inquired as to the status and measurements of her various womanly assets, and the pictures are as follows:
A solid 7, in my opinion. Anyways, we talked some more and it turned out that she was just fed up with Jordan aka Bailamos. She said he never left their apartment, he spent all of their savings on buying Gladiator that season and that the sex was terrible and constant. I offered to alleviate almost all of her relationship problems with a meeting for coffee and a potential remedy.
The remedy was my legendary wizard dick.
She regaled me with tales on how hanging out with me was like hanging out with someone from The Rolling Stones. She told her mother about me and, at quite a few intervals, she asked if she could watch me PvP from the laptop she brought with her in the hotel room I had to get, because I didn't want to ruin my sheets(threadcount, nah mean.) She blurted out some business about how Bailamos and her had talked about me briefly in between bouts of rabbit-like lovemaking, about how tremendously he was effected by my way with words, and how angry it made him. She was attracted to my numerous Red Helmets, my prowess with a keyboard and my dimples - not to mention my pecs, Bronze Star with Valor, and Land Rover.
She had 8 days before she was going back to live with her parents - Jordan didn't know yet, but she was committed to breaking up with him. I was still on active duty in the infantry at the time, so I was pretty busy. But once I knew she was leaving, she went from friend with benefits to rental car status. I rode her into the ground on several occasions. In my car, standing outside my car, in a hotel room, in my apartment, in a bathroom in a Subway. I mean that seriously Jordan. I want you to know that I banged your girlfriend a lot. Sometimes, I didn't even want to do it again. I'd be tired, and she'd be less than fresh. But I did do it again. Because you though you were better than me, talked shit, and lost like a woman.
Don't get me wrong, however: Kathryn ******* is an absolutely fantastic lay, with the libido of a 13 year old boy(not that I would know anything about 13 year old boys, despite what my fanbase on Korgath had to say.) We had less than a week left until she left you to move back in with her parents, and I literally did things to her that I would never do to a person I thought I'd ever have to see again. I really want you to know that. You were leading RBGs with less talent and skill than I, while I had enough free time to ruin your girlfriend for other men sexually for the next three months and still be better than you at something you devoted your life to.
<<< Of course, things started getting crazy towards the end. She got more emotional, which I wouldn't tolerate, and she got really self-conscious about moving back home with her parents. This part is for you, Bailamos. Because you told people you were better than us: she told me, the night she left, that I could have anything I wanted. I won't tell you what I did, but I will tell you where I did it. I opened the rear door on my Land Rover on an abandoned mortar range on Fort Lewis, and railed your girlfriend for fifteen minutes. I didn't measure, but I'd estimate my thrusting moved my 6000 pound car approximately 15 feet during the ordeal.
And I swear to god, when she said, "I'm going to be sore for the entire plane ride."
"I live my life a quarter mile at a time."
This is when the story gets back to WoW again. So, she left. I don't know what Jordan knew, or didn't know. I got what I came for, and I don't care about that nerd. Anyway, me and my boys kept queuing and one fateful night, in the hallowed Arathi Basin we fought them again. Their leader whose life was ripe with emotional pain from his recent breakup was absolutely waylaid by my team's synergy, strategy and skill. Our Priest, Henry, never even joined the game.
We crushed them by 500 points, 9v10. With two healers.
Of course, they still talked trash that one of their members was bad, or something. It wasn't their A team, yadda yadda. They were actually streaming during the event and were planning out these big strategies revolving around the 9v10s.
I have more pictures if anyone wants them - a lot more. I don't know what more I can do to prove this story is true, but you'll know it's true. Anyone who knows Bailamos will know this story is completely true. If you're reading this, and you sympathize with me and anyone else who has ever witnessed the throne of this game being taken over by not the best, but just who is left: please, copy and paste this, spread this story, save this in the annals of World of Warcraft history. Tell all who will listen how quickly fake champions can lose their titles, prestige and status.
Perhaps you might have noticed throughout my career that I, like Led Zeppelin, have been inspired by Lord of the Rings. You might have even noticed that my avatar is now Gandalf the White. Because I, like all the legends of yesteryear, am moving on. I just wanted the satisfaction of dismounting false king before I, like Gandalf, move on now to the Gray havens - the undying lands reserved for legends.
And to you, Bailamos: you're merely a placeholder; wasting away, playing a game whose expiration has long since come and gone. Authority is not given to you to deny the return of the king, steward. Just remember every time you say you're the best, someone crushed you under their weight with ease, while you had superior numbers and odds.