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Do you have male camaraderie in your life, junkie?


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#21 FTRouslan

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Posted 09 May 2016 - 02:43 PM

i relate a lot to the ordering everything online so you could avoid talking to people/cashiers etc thing

when i was a hopeless neet i'd do shit like that a lot. i'd avoid certain restaurants so i wouldn't have to explain my order or get it specialized in any way. anywhere like subway where i'd want to build my sub i just skipped because i didn't want that interaction. it's like when you avoid face to face human interaction for that long you become socially fearful or something

now i work in IT which you'd expect to be nerdland (and it can be) but you have to talk to people a lot. i have to work alongside people, i have to communicate well with end users, customers, clients etc. i used to be afraid of making a fucking phone call, had to get over that real fast.

just getting yourself out in the world and experiencing things will make you open up so much socially and just have a healthier mentality and personality

i really haven't felt this kind of personal independence before that i've felt in the last year. it's that small growing feeling that i'm really starting to make it, when i really REALLY doubted i ever was going to "make it" a few years ago. i had fucking nothing going for me 3-4 years ago, now i have a job i love in a field i love where i'm treated well and have already advanced my position, have my own income, my own vehicle, my own bills to pay... i'm not afraid to go out and do my own thing anymore, i'm not afraid to communicate with the world in person anymore

i used to be really scared of asking people questions. i didn't want to bother them. it wasn't long before i realized i wasn't going to make it doing that and i started asking any question i had. it carried over from work into all aspects of my life and it's been so beneficial. and unless you just have no situational awareness, people don't mind being asked questions at all for the most part. most people like the feeling of their expertise in something being needed

we're all always going to battle our own demons but i've come a great distance just from putting myself out there and trying something on a whim


great story that resonates with me a lot. I was fearful of taking risks, small and large, once upon a time because I was afraid of conflict. But then I realized that there's no happiness without risk, since you can't create something great without a chance of failure or rejection. maybe it means that life will always be full of suffering. maybe it means that life is far more dynamic and fun than meets the eye.
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#22 Thaya

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Posted 09 May 2016 - 03:41 PM

i used to have a strong fear of failure too

then i got rid of all "what i should be like" ideas and expectations and that fear disappeared completely

you can't fail at being yourself, there's nothing to fear
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#23 Thaya

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Posted 09 May 2016 - 04:23 PM

i can def relate to the asking questions bit also

i used to be shy of asking questions cuz i'd start thinking about a ton of stupid shit like, "how do i formulate this question?" "where do i even begin?" "how do i address the person?" "do i interrupt or what" "wait can't i just figure it out myself tho to avoid this whole dilemma?" "or maybe i missed something of what he said?" "holy shit did i really miss something am i dumb no way" "i'm not sure so i can't risk asking in case he literally just said the thing im gonna ask" "fuck" "ok whatever just pretend everything is clear" "its been way too long now anyway i'll just look like a downsyndrome if i ask about something from 15 seconds ago"

especially if its like, strangers

shit, with strangers everything crumbled at the "how do i address this person" part

if i needed to ask for directions i'd keep walking and being fucking lost until someone made eye contact with me so that i could ask where the fuck i am

sometimes this took a while

it's even worse if its like, at a bus station or smth and i need to ask smth about the bus routes or whatever. cuz everyone is just fucking standing still and staring into the horizon, making eye contact with ppl would be awkward af. there were occasions where i just LITERALLY yolo'd and waited to see myself instead of asking any of the 10 ppl around whether the bus i need goes here (inb4 you ask: yes some of the stations are so fuckin rekt here literally all the info is missing or partly missing)

nowadays my thinking process is much cleaner

if im lost or need bus info (problem) and there are people around that can help (solution) then all i need to do is ask (politely because i wanna be a part of this whole social environment thingy ofc)

and that's it, that's the only thing that goes thru my head as i ask

and it's similar in any other context. if you skip the whole self evaluation part then all you're left with is an 'objective' (or a reason/purpose or whatever), which is super easy to focus on. e.g. asking a teacher a lot of questions cuz you actually wanna understand the material, etc

it also extends further, like, when i hang out with friends for example, the purpose of having fun and catching up is central, and thus these things are achieved much quicker and better, whereas when i was a confused depressed stupid fuck it'd be more like.. complaining and being a depressed stupid fuck for the most part.

now what were we talking about anyway? oh ye

its all a matter of perception imo

if you decided that 'creating something great' is a requirement for your happiness then it will be so

im just trying to say that the key word is 'decided'. its something you willingly, consciously decided for yourself, and you can change your mind at any point

its useless gating. just simplify it down to "i want to create something great", set it as an objective so to say (it'd help if 'something great' actually meant something tho), and just do it

you'll experience great joy just from the fact that you're doing something you consider great... and that joy is happiness. it doesn't even matter if you succeed or fail (by societies opinion), the end result doesn't matter. what matters is that you were being yourself, doing things that you're absolutely convinced are right/good/great to do. you'll feel alive and life will suddenly not feel like suffering, but rather the opposite.

its all choices and decisions.

and lastly there's no right or wrong, good or bad; these concepts are so flexible and individual for every person, as well as you just can't know whether a certain decision was good or bad for you in the long run until way later. thus there's no reason to doubt your decisions/choices. this is key. doubting your decisions/choices is like doubting your personality. if you ever find yourself questioning that, you're probably not doing what you really want to do.

where there's no doubt, there's no fear. that's how my fear perished
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#24 Breadstick

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Posted 09 May 2016 - 11:19 PM

and lastly there's no right or wrong, good or bad; these concepts are so flexible and individual for every person, as well as you just can't know whether a certain decision was good or bad for you in the long run until way later. thus there's no reason to doubt your decisions/choices. this is key. doubting your decisions/choices is like doubting your personality. if you ever find yourself questioning that, you're probably not doing what you really want to do.

where there's no doubt, there's no fear. that's how my fear perished


to go off this, i've also found it's largely useless to sit around and depressingly regret past decisions. learning from mistakes is great, perfect even. but it's important to learn from them and move on and not to sit there wistfully thinking about what you fucked up and wishing you could change it and beating yourself up over things you did before

i think it's important to realize all decisions you made were made in a certain context of your life. unless it was a completely stupid decision that everyone obviously agrees on, you can give yourself some leeway knowing that whatever you did probably made sense back when you did it. you will change a lot over time and the contexts change and your way of thinking changes so you can't expect everything you've done previously to be something you're proud of years later

tangentially related, this is how i feel about tattoos that people regret. if you get a tattoo and later regret it, just think of it as a mark of your life in the past. it doesn't have to be something you still love or care about, just a souvenir of your past life

maybe my favorite quote related to the fear of failure thing is "you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." (the full quote is actually about falling in love but i like to make quotes into what i want them to be in situations like this.) there's no emptier feeling for me than approaching a situation, deeming it to be insurmountable, and walking away without trying. for me, that's the real failure

there's also "it's better to shit your pants than die of constipation" but that's a little less graceful
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#25 Thaya

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Posted 10 May 2016 - 01:07 AM

yeah

one of the key things for me was judging my past self in the same way i'd judge another person, i.e. by their actions only (not words or thoughts or whatever)

i realized that at every given point in time, i was just doing what i wanted to do. all the games, drugs, "wasted" time, "missed" opportunities, etc., it applies to all of it. i played wow instead of properly studying in uni because i wanted to play wow and didn't want to study, i didn't work because i didn't want to, i didn't go to the gym because i didn't want to, i didn't socialize much irl because i didn't want to, and i spent most of my time playing games, coding/building random shit, and shitposting because that's what i really wanted to do (and still do).

viewing it like this lead me into understanding myself a lot better than ever before. like, regardless of my thoughts during that entire timeframe (which were mostly negative, i.e. thinking im wasting my life / missed the boat / etc), the simple truth is, that's what i wanted, and that's what i was doing. if my wishes were actually any different, i'd have probably acted differently too, as all the necessary tools and opportunities were available to me.

thus, there just can't be any regrets. it'd just be weird to regret doing what you want to do. no life was wasted and no ship was missed, it was all just choices being made, and as i said before, there's no "good choices" or "bad choices", it's all the same, it's just "your choices". sure, there are certain things or accomplishments/results/statuses that i wish i had, but don't, but that's not a regret really. that's just wishing you had shit that you don't have. and it's not even important shit given this "proper" context of what i am/what i want to be, so all these sadboy tears were for nothing really

this was actually the very first 'change', everything else stems from this. this is about, like, accepting yourself, admitting that whatever situation or state you're in, you're in it willingly, thus taking full responsibility for it, and consequently, gaining full control of it too.

one thing i remember really well is directly after this i just thought like, "well, ok, i love internet and games, i definitely need to fix my financial part of life tho" and instantly i started finding PLENTY of ways to monetize my activity. i've been completely oblivious to this shit before, mind you, so it was all "holy shit!!! this is so ez". i just didn't even really look, because i thought gaming and shitposting are just, like, some of the ways i waste my life with, and one day i'd stop and suddenly become a different person entirely. its like, my mind was so clouded with doubts that i didn't even see really basic things lying in front of me.

and all i did was change how i perceive things. everything (literally) is fun/exciting for me right now, and everything is fucking simple as well. i can motivate myself to "want" just about anything. chores? i want to be clean and live in a clean place. work? i want to build my project cuz its dope and cuz i want/need money. gym? cuz i want to be in good shape/health.

as for quotes, one that's become really close to me is "We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of effort is the same"

it's Castaneda, who sure wrote a lot of whacky shit, but 'Journey to Ixtlan' is imho a real gem. i generally wouldn't recommend to read Castaneda, but Ixtlan i absolutely would recommend. (it's part of a series but it's written in a way that you can read just that one, don't need the context.)

there's also this Buddhist saying:

"Before I had studied Zen for thirty years, I saw mountains as mountains, and waters as waters. When I arrived at a more intimate knowledge, I came to the point where I saw that mountains are not mountains, and waters are not waters. But now that I have got its very substance I am at rest. For it's just that I see mountains once again as mountains, and waters once again as waters."
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#26 Thaya

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Posted 10 May 2016 - 02:30 AM

oh and another thing, games are a great place to practice mindsets. the 'be conscious 100% of the time' one especially. try to think about the purpose of every single move or click you do. try to set tasks as well as focus on doing these tasks, like, actually put in effort. the latter will improve your aim tenfold, the former will improve your decision making/dodging a lot. don't offload anything to reflex, don't do any movements on automatism. just view the whole thing as a constant stream of little decisions/objectives/tasks. being a tryhard is great i swear
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#27 Buglamp

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Posted 10 May 2016 - 10:58 AM

to go off this, i've also found it's largely useless to sit around and depressingly regret past decisions. learning from mistakes is great, perfect even. but it's important to learn from them and move on and not to sit there wistfully thinking about what you fucked up and wishing you could change it and beating yourself up over things you did before


Looking at the fallen dead figs instead of focusing on the ripe ones.

I took an online test once - "what Poet are you?" - and got Sylvia Plath. :/
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#28 FTRouslan

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Posted 18 May 2016 - 01:39 AM

Looking at the fallen dead figs instead of focusing on the ripe ones.

I took an online test once - "what Poet are you?" - and got Sylvia Plath. :/


haha I remember that one!
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#29 YVNG_CARL_YVNG

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Posted 19 May 2016 - 01:23 PM

i wanted to get rilke and ended up depressed at the test results :/
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#30 Slashgiggle

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Posted 19 May 2016 - 11:43 PM

I've always had lots of friends because I am a great person and have a big dick that just won't quit
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