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Smaltze's Guides: how to: relationship/sex


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#1 Smaltze

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 01:24 AM

i was originally gona post this as a respone in the how do i lose my virginity thread but i though id thread it. so here goes

how to loose your virginity: and this is serious btw: this is also kind of how to get a girlfriend:
step 1: find/pick a girl u like and have hots for, preferabyl one u have met/know in real life as this makes it alot easire, start talking to her on facebook or texts and stuff, BUT, dont seem to keen becuase keen becomes stalky and needy. talking to her is simple, just be confident with it and she wont care that much what u say, find a common topic to talk about. mainly just dont try to hard, if the conversation is stalling it doesnt matter u can just chill and talk to her a bit later... this is also good becuase it means they wont get tired of you.

step 2: if you like this girl and u want her to know, dont just expect her to pick it up, this is how so many people get and complain about being 'friendzoned'. its really not that bad to just let a girl know your intentions, you dont have to be like i love you you are my everything, you can just be subtle and say i have a crush on you or something, most girls will find this flattering and and will start to think of you in a different way, they like the confidence.

step 3: so now you have told her you like her and stuff and if all seems well and she seems still interested, then you are good to go. again find a common interest, to be the base for finding a reason to take them out. a great way to first meet a girl is at a party or something, because everyone is a bit looser there. see if you can get yourself to a party that she is going to, it doesnt really matter if she knows your going or not, just makes sure if she doesnt u play it off like u didnt know she was going too, ( this will prob only work if you find out shes going from a friend or something). but it doesnt matter if she does know its fine. when you are there this is where it gets tricky, you really need to man up at this point and just play it cool, the key at this point is confidence. girl like a forward guy, but dont be too forward like your arrogant. start talking to her and just be funny and stuff and talk about some cool things and maybe join in some fun activities that are going down at the party. youll probably end up with her friends or something coming up to you both drunk like 'ahh u are the cutest u should be together etc', if that happens just play it cool and smile and stuff. now your gona ask her if she wants to go somewhere private, she probably should get the hint if you do, but if she doesnt she shoudl come with you anyway. when u are somewhere private just get close to her and quite literally say 'can i kiss you or something' with a nice smile, dont just akwardly move in for the kiss and she like the wtf. if you say to her and she is genuinly interested then shell probably smile or something and be like yeh.
substep: kissing: kissing a girl just has to be passionate and relaxed, before you do it, make sure to wet your lips with your tounge just subtley, it makes it nicer. have either both hands on her waiste/back/bum or on hand holding her and another hand on the back of her neck, but only gently. just relax and go with, you prob start of going crazy and itll be weird but then u relax and get into it if it carries on. if u fuck up and shes like wtf just laugh it off and be like sorry can i try again or something. u want to do it slowly, dont eat her face, but do give it something. tounges arnt essential and are actually quite an akward thing to do unless your are comfortable with them. if she wants to tounge or you want to, just stick you tounge out a little bit whilst your kissing and she feel it and probably respond. when u kissing real good you can prob start handling her butt or something its chill.
ok so just make sure to just relax and be confident, compliment her a few times and maybe laugh whilst your kissing absout something, ' for example say your lips taste good' or 'you smell nice' or something like that. when u kiss a girl its quite an ice breaking thing, after that you will feel more comforable and intimate and u can talk about chill things and not worry.
if she pushes you away just at any point or walks away u dont need to keep following her or whatever, dont be clingy, she probably doesnt want anything at that point. so its either time to find a new girl or just talk to her in the coming days and find out what went wrong, becuase possibly she is too drunk or something and freaked out.
Another thing to do it like take her for a coffee or for to the cinema or something, ask her if she likes any films at the moment, and if she doesn offer to take her too it. if you are, make sure to pay for it or to atleast offer too and if she says no then dont worry. after a film it would be nice to take her for a meal or a coffee of something, you will be able to talk about the film or something. even going for a coffee or meal alone is a good date.
step something: being a gentleman is important, but not too important. its more about being respectful, dont be cliche, just be nice. you dont have to obsess about opening doors and stuff for her nor about pulling out a chair and taking her coat, its a nice thing to if it is convienent and the oppurtunity arrises, but dont go out of your way and make it akward to do it. if your really fussed just spot tooppurtunity before and plan it.
speech is something to worry about, but easy to get the hang of, try not to swear, and dont bombard her with compiments. its good to keep compliments flowing, but dont make them sound douchey and cliche. when i say that i dont mean evrything is douchey but, just dont say shit like stupid chat up lines or random things. there is no harm is saying something like i love the colour of your eyes or something, something specific about her and flattering. be neat when u eat, dont be sloppy, if you are going to eat with her dont get a huge meal, just get something normal, just keep your manners up, be polite.
it is important to talk to her a bit before taking her out so you have something to talk about, but if u find the converasation stalling, dont be afraid to bring up quite obscure things to ask about, like about her work, or family, or childhood, anything.
The girl: one thing u must remember, girl are like bugs, by this i mean people often say bugs are more scared of you than u are of them. dont assume that a girl knows it all and expects everything, she is probably just as worried abuot the date as u are if she is interested. you have to make her feel comfortable and relaxed, show your interest in her when she is talking about stuff, if she is talking about a subject that yes you may not be that interested in, still say 'oh thats awsome/cool' or something, with a nice smile. if you are sitting with her at a table or something make sure to lean in instead of slopping back on your chair.
after the date is isnt entirely important to kiss her or something, when u are saying good bye just give her a nice hug or soemthing. if you are taller than her its nice to just hug her close and you will be able to kiss her on the forehead or something, its affectionate and sweet. when u hug make sure to hug her tight, but not silly tight, dont swing back and forth or something, or pat her on the back, she will quickly come to want your hugs, if you are good at them.

the second date can be something more casual, take her for a walk or something, to the beach, to the park, anywhere. preferably somewhere private. its good taking them to a nice park or something and u can sit with them and just chill and cuddle and relax. this is a great bonding oppurtinity. if it goes well and u both obvious like each other then at the end of it or whenever its nice just hold her and look at her close, and tell her that u want to see more of her or something, just get the message across. if not bad to just say up sweetly u want her to be your girlfriend or something. if your are make sure you dont look away from her or something when u say it, say it too her, into her eyes etc. walking holding hands is a sweet thing to do, and if u do it un public is makes her feel special and wanted.
a great move is to when you are running about with her or something when u get the opurtunity just grasp her and tip her back into your arms, proper prince charming style. just hold her secure and lower her down slowly to the ground with a hand behind her neck or something. just be damn careful not to drop her or something. go down with her and lie over her, and kiss her and stuff. she might be like wtf at first but as long as u are gentle and manly she will relax, just gain her trust.

starting the sexual phases.
a good way to some up what everything sexual is like is this.
handjob: at first it will feel pretty shit, you will expect alot, but when u do it youl be like wtf, this is becuase you are so used to jacking yourself off and u know the way u like it best, its will feel pretty much the same as jacking off, just someone else doing it.
blowjob: this is feel awsome, the first time it happens your like omfg. if heel all wet and stuff and warm, your cant actually feel a whole lot, but fi you just watch them doing it its a great experience. blowjobs dont really make you cum like other stuff, becuase they lack the movement that other stuff has, they are mainly for the sensation.
intercourse: now this is the good bit: having sex is basically just like having a great handjob and a great blowjob combined, your get all the movement and the tightness, and also all the wetness and warmness. feeling your dick slide in for the first time is an incredible sensation.
fingering a girl: this is pretty standard, just feel her up and stick a finger in there or two, its not the most amazing thing for girls but its gets the feelings going, dont go all out pornstar style, its not that nice. be gentle and forgiving.
going down on a girl: to be honest, some guys dont mind, but as far as im concerned it tastes fucking awful. its probably a good idea to get the girl to clean it before hand, and to do it qutie quickly before she gets to wet. i will go through how to do it below.
tits: most girls have pretty sensetive nipples, just ask them about it. some girls ive been with have loved me being on the nipples but some not so much. again ill go through below.

ok now i can move on to the actuall sex.
the first stages of sexual activity are fine. make sure she is ready when u want to do it, for the first time just straight up ask her if she wants to do anything. you probably wont have sex at first, but this is fine just be patient.
just kiss her and start making moves, start feeling around her body and getting her horny. squeeze her ass and stuff all passionatley, that gets the emotions going.
start moving dry rubbing ber boobs and downstairs and she will prob do the same to you. when your are ready subtlely move your hand down her pants or up her top etc. just be gentle and relaxing, but somewhat confident too. licking and sucking her tits is cool, on occasion i have made girls orgasm just sucking there tits. a good way to do it is suck on of them and whilst your doing it rub if your with your tounge, whilst with the other, with a wet two fingers, gently rub and twist it. swap back and forth between to mix it up a bit. kiss around the neck and stuff too and get lower, that really exciting for either person and erousing. dry humping is quite a turn on, dont literally hump up just rub subtlely on her and stuff. girls often love and get turned on by feeling your erection against there leg and stuff
she will probably want to do something to you first, so just let her, do rush into doing something to her, she might be uncomfortable. they dont care that much about the size of your dick too, its doesnt matter, as long as it not tiny and it works its fine. a top tip before a blowjob is to clean your dick, especially is you have just taken a piss or something. pubic hair is fine, dont have shit loads of it, just give it a clean trim. shaving it so its around your dick but not actually on it is good. and shaving your balls is nice too. a girl sucking your balls or dick feels great and u dont want her put off by grose hair or bad taste.
going down on a girl is quite a daring thing but they fucking love it, its just as rewarding for them as it is for you when they do it too you.
when u go down on a girl just be confident and relaxed. just lick all around it, and often girls like you to stick your tounge in as deep as you can. they might want to you to do some crazy shit like 'tougne tornadoes' and stuff but dont do it at first, there clit is under a little hood of skin just above there hole. its made sensative so be careful going there, they dont allways like it. sucking is quite nice too. basically just experiment with it doing different things and listrn to there reaction, if there are making more noise u know your doing something right, and theyll prbably tell you.
ok now onto actual sex, like most guys when u first do it your probably be scared as fuck and freeze up a bit and be nervous, u cant really help that but just try to go with it and let it roll through, once u start and your comfortable you relax instantly. people normally go for the missirnary position at first, and its a good option. just lie on top of her kissing her and stuff, trying subtlely to put it in, if you cant just grab it move it up and down until u find it. most of the time she will probably put it in for you, just let her its fine. missionary position is all in the hips, just prop yourself on your knees and thrust forward with your hips. never be too rough in sex unless she wants you too, if its hurting her just keep going but really gently and slowly. if she is comfortable and happy you can go bit harder, just kiss her kiss her neck and just chill. the missionary posistion is pretty shit tbh, i dont do it often becuase its quite akward and not they consistent. there is nothing wrong with on your first time just straight away trying tnew positions and stuff. here are some.

Spooning: girls love this, it feel great for them and its very intimate, just lie beheind them and have your legs interlocked with theres. you can get quite alot of movement iwth this its pretty nice. grabs her boobs and kis her back and neck whilst you do it.
doggy style: some girls love this, some hate it. give it a try and see how they feel, just do as the name say. have her on hand and knees and kneel behind her, stick it in and just thrust, btu dont get too carried away becuase its an easy position to go to hard in. if you hold on her hips ther bones act a great handle to thrust against and it doesnt hurt her much, alternatively her shoulders and good and u can grab a tit. slapping her is quite fun a naughty, some girls love it, i mean on the ass. just experiment.
doing missionary on the side of the bed is quite good, prop her back up with some pillows and u stand off the bed, tis quite a fun position this but not the best.
those are the easiest and some of the best positions but your are open to experiment, having the girl go on top its pretty fun and a good break for you. u can actually fuck her pretty hard from the bottom though becuase u can thrust really quick. experiment with various positions and see what u enjoy best. sex is all about having fun so just try random things and ull never know what u enjoy. things like chocolate body paint and stuff like that is great. of and i forgot to mention about putting condoms on, i havnt had to do it much becuase most girls ive been with have been on the pill or implants. dont make a big thing out of it, just chill and wack it on quick or let her do it.
i lasted pretty long during sex, could get girls to probably 5 orgasms and numb before i blew my load, but sometimes its just too much and u go straight away, dont worry about that it happens alot. thats why its good to go down on a girl before and give them an orgasm so that they get something out of it.

NOW THE KEY TO SEX: COMMUNICATION, infact this is pretty much the key to relationships too. talking during sex is great, obviously dont talks loads and drop the mood, but u must must must conmmunicate and find out what your partner likes during sex. everytime u do it it will probably get better. tis good to talk about its after and just a general other time too in preperation for next time. if someone is doing something good during sex, let them know so they can carry on.

now ill leave you with the main keys point to relationships and sex:
1. communication during sex
2. communication during relationship, very important to talk out issues with your partner and gain there trust, otherwise you will push each other apart and it will be shitty.
3. affection, allways show affection, show like you want the other person and care about them. romantic stuff is cool, some people like it some dont, its not allways great, but ive had girls want me to write them poems and verses and shit. if they want you to (even if u dont like it) if the girl is worth it just man up and do it.
4. mixing it up and keeping it fresh: try to change what u do with the girl quite alot, dont just go to each others houses all the time and do boring stuff, try new thing, go to parties, go for meals or to exciting places. keep the relationship fresh and exciting.
5. knowing your partner: make sure to pay attention to how much they want to talk to you, somegirls love clingy guys, some hate it. if they want space, give it to them, and trust them. if they want attention give it to them. but the same accounts for you. if they are being clingy to you and u dont want it just tell them, if they are a decent girl they should be fine with that. dont let them mistake your affection for clingyness etc. keep it sweet and loving.

tbh guys relationships can be hard as fuck but also great. there is alot more stuff i could say in this but i am counting down the hours of sleep ill get tonight if i dont stop writing this. maybe i'll edit it tomorrow and add more, and possibly write other guides, stuff like 'how to be good looking' and stuff, becuase i know there is things i could write in them. some people might see this and think oh what a douche, but in reality your the kind of people who will end up 30 year old virgins and going nowhere so just man up and sort your life out.
i havnt actually read back over most of this becuase i dont have time right now but if there is spelling mistakes and stuff i dont care. hope this helps.

editing this quick: yes i did write all this, why? becuase i felt like it.
i thought i would because i know whats its like to be a nerd, i have played plenty of wow and runescape and stuff, and have experienced having no friends and being a virgin. i know what i advice i wanted then and when i wanted to know, so i thought i do that for other people like me, now that i have done it all. my experience behind this stuff is basically: i have been sexually active since about 16, im now 18. i have had 2 serious relationships one a year long and one 5 months and i have slept with about 5 girls. i have a brother who is 26 and had plenty of very serious realtionships and i have spoken to alot, a sister 22 who is engaged and has also had alot of relationships and 2 happy married parents. im a fairly good looking guy, im popular, go out alot, i do alot of excercise and work out, i keep my appearences up and also have plenty of friends that are girls to take advice from too. i am reasonably smart and have 2 A's and a B in my art and maths a levels. i dont want to sound like a dick but i dont care if i do, becuase i know what it feels like to have no self esteem and confidence, and i wrote this just for the odd person that can get something out of it. if you all want to reject me for this post and not like me then ok but atleast i can try and help someone.

Smaltze
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Please review the forum rules on signatures.

#2 Jayru

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 01:38 AM

LOL
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#3 Fazzmania

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 01:40 AM

tldr
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#4 Duckers

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 01:56 AM

Did you actually type this or is it just copy pasted off some other forum because you thought it'd funny - what the fuck.
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#5 Dougzy

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 02:06 AM

If this doesnt work should i drag her to my basement and tie her up?>
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#6 Buglamp

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 02:12 AM

remember that one guy who made a dating guide thread and everyone hated him and then he left
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#7 stcolbert

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 02:15 AM

ROFL. nice man.

I actually read it. One thing I disagree pretty heavily on is this.


when u go down on a girl just be confident and relaxed. just lick all around it, and often girls like you to stick your tounge in as deep as you can. they might want to you to do some crazy shit like 'tougne tornadoes' and stuff but dont do it at first, there clit is under a little hood of skin just above there hole. its made sensative so be careful going there, they dont allways like it. sucking is quite nice too.

You have to get them worked up, but once you got them going that's how you make chicks cum. Keep suction on that bitch and increase your tongue movement the more she seems into it (she'll start thrusting her hips to the ceiling and shit) and then just go tongue wild when shes about to let loose, you'll know because most times it's like they are trying to suffocate you with their twat.
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#8 Jayru

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 02:22 AM

OP is right sorry. Some girls are too sensitive to go for the clit, and not all of them like sucking.
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#9 Smaltze

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 02:26 AM

edited, now going to sleep so not replying till morning
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#10 Maholic

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 03:07 AM

welp
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When I'm In A Club Waiting For The Drop..

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#11 Otaku

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 03:12 AM

Spoiler


=(
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#12 Thedream

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 03:19 AM

a sister 22 who is engaged and has also had alot of relationships


right now

imagine ur sister is getting bent over a desk and getting pounded by some guy






imagine it
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live.laugh.love

i am the law


#13 Pottuz

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 03:29 AM

If this doesnt work should i drag her to my basement and tie her up?>


worked for me for the last 8 years
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To answer the OPs thread question. All the skilled players play warlock, everyone else is dumb and can't play their class to the best, Example: Hunters. That is why warlocks are OP

/thread


#14 Hobbeś

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 03:37 AM

Thanks Abe
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#15 Reliuna

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 05:09 AM

worthless thread
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#16 penancetoucher

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 05:27 AM

Reliunas guide to relationships.

step one: Head to the nearest Toilet/Park/Truckstop at around midnight.
step two: Bend over.
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Love being a Priest healer in pvp.
LOLJK DEAD IN PAIN SUPPRESSION.

#17 Maholic

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 05:49 AM

Reliunas guide to relationships.

step one: Head to the nearest Toilet/Park/Truckstop at around midnight.
step two: Bend over.


GOTEM
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When I'm In A Club Waiting For The Drop..

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#18 Kakio

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 05:59 AM

China called, they want their wall back


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#19 Sykeasaurus

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 06:19 AM

Reliunas guide to relationships.

step one: Head to the nearest Toilet/Park/Truckstop at around midnight.
step two: Bend over.


How to post like penancetoucher:

1) Have downs

All set
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bk said:

I used to beat off alot, and fail all my classes


Insight said:

I figured he's a phony but I was secretly hoping to get pounded by someone famous.

View PostTw1zle, on 07 August 2011 - 11:05 PM, said:

i wasnt aware that america was a country

i guess we learn things every day

#20 summoz

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 06:57 AM

"handjob: at first it will feel pretty shit, you will expect alot, but when u do it youl be like wtf, this is becuase you are so used to jacking yourself off"

LOL
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